mando player and I were talking about happiness tonight, the idea, the details, the choice, or the involuntary state of being. It seems like like such and easy thought, happy. It's simple... right?
Or is it.
Happiness is...
-finishing a test you've studied your heart out for, regardless of outcome
-finding an Easter basket form your sweet mother at home when you get there
-having a little brother who texts you for your advice, a lot.
-finding a packet of oatmeal in you backpack that can provide sustenance
-having a roommate who cares about where you are, and what you're doing
- starting up the motorcycle on a morning that's warm enough to let you enjoy it...with someone else if you're lucky
-sleeping in and waking to rainy clouds that hug the mountains and shrink the world, nesting it in a safe haven that catches all of you warm, unabashed thoughts as they float lazily and dreamily through your half conscious and sleepy mind
-finding time to read your scriptures, knowing that they are more important in the long run than any math assignment
-seeing an old friend and remembering their dogs name
-being complimented by a classmate on a presentation you spent hours on, and one you weren't that confident of
-finding a surprise text message
-singing a song, loudly, and secretly hoping someone heard you
-dancing in the moonlight, or sunlight, or no light at all.
I was happy this week. I decided to be. In three of the past four nights I found my bed after 2am. I've had projects, and test, and other crazy time sucking demands in my life. I decided Monday that rather than have a week of stress that weighed me down, I would have a week of adventure, and I challenged myself to keep a positive attitude and a smile on my face through it all.
I did it.
It's been a grand adventure, and as I relayed the weeks event to my classy and beautiful mother, she asked me why I was happy, and why I was still awake.
It was a choice, but during so many parts of my week the happiness felt involuntary. I wonder how much one effects the other, the choice and the surmounting, seemingly choice-less happiness.
A wise girl once reminded me of a commandment we often over look. Be cheerful. Decide for that to be a part of you who are. Or fake it till you make it. Its surprising how far a little acting can go.
Men are that they might have joy. We are here to find happiness. Happiness is aligning your own will with that of a higher power.
"when I obey, I'm happy all day" my great aunt brainwashed me with this trite phrase when I was a young 'sponge' soaking in anything and everything. When I make a choice, I find myself happier. When I choose to be happy, happiness finds me, and I am swept away involuntarily into a world of better, and good, joy and happiness.
Is it really that simple? Do people make me happy? Do certain people make me happy? My initial answer is yes, yes of course. I wonder still how much that happiness, even the happiness evoked from anther's presence, is still a part of our choice, conscious or not.
I wonder, and I think, I pause and I stop. All I know is that I am happy. And I choose to stay that way for a while.
3.21.2008
3.18.2008
engineered by dr. sues, illustrated by eric carl... again
Do you have five minutes? Search for an email that you wrote one year ago on this day exactly. You might be surprised.
"I was searching for some legal... and cohesive way to write you this week. I think I've done this begin-with-lyrics-and-trail-to-the-life-story thing before, but with the new shins cd, and the brilliant concert still ringing in my ears, I thought it all too fitting to at least tempt you with the first few words in their wondrous compositions... so
track 1. sleeping lessons ...and flow eviscerate your fragile frame and spill it out on the ragged floor a thousand different versions of yourself.... so wow, good lines huh? basically this could be taken ridiculously deep and applied to ......versions of erin before and after college. but instead (because my writing skills can't organize those thoughts) I shall tell you about another image conjured in my head from said lines. dancing. oh but not just any dancing, crazy, unabashed, free of form and critique movement. Basically the cute girls across the street had a dance party. really it was just another excuse for the 6 of us to listen to good music and completely vent through movement.....
track 5. sealegs ...but we got sealegs and we're off tonight they can't have that to which they've no right you belong to a simpler time I'm a victim to the impact of these words and this rhyme... Well I'm sure james mercer was talking about something else, but I was thinking about the impact of written words, your words particularly, and the impact they have on me. Victim may have the some wrong connotations, but the whole involuntary aspect of victim may ring true. I was discussing with a friend semi-recently about the love languages. have you heard of them? there are 5 main love languages.. quality time, actions, gifts, touch, and words of affirmation. According to the theory we all accept or understand love shown in all of these forms, but we have a main form, and when that is in check we respond to the other languages even better. I have discovered my main language, if i were to have one, is words of affirmation. spoken, but even more so written. I guess I'm lucky thats how I've been connected to you for the past 20 months, letters. and incredibly lucky you've been so diligent in writing. I received a letter a few days ago, and fell victim to the words......... in your letter, yes i remember the kings of convenience song, actually i think its become my theme song, and michelle will testify how I can't sit still when it comes on. I adore it. .
Track 11. a comet appears ...close your eyes to corral a virtue, is this fooling anyone else, never worked so long and hard to cement a failure... ok, just focus on the word corral. and then think equestrian. basically i really wanted to tell you about my presidents day adventure, and i needed a word to tie in horseback riding... bu the lyrics deserve dissecting later. so riding.. Michelle and i went out for a few hours, guided by a friend who owns the beautiful animals. IT was beautiful.. It had snowed a ton the night before and was still snowing as we saddled up the horses. The canyon was loaded with snow frosted trees, their branches creating an intricately laced pattern of white against the dusty blue background of sky.....
love erin
p.s. if there was time i'd expound, but there isn't. I had to send you these lyrical lines anyway, and while I'm sure you don't have time to dissect them either, maybe you can read a few before you sleep to help direct your dreams.
...the lonely are such delicate things, the wind from a wasp could blow them into the sea with stones on their feet lost to the light and the loving we need...
...you can fake it for a while, bite your tongue and smile, like every mother does her ugly child...
...Of all the churning random hearts under the sun, eventually fading into night, these two are opening now......its like I'm perched on the handlebars of a blindman's bike, no straws to grab just the rushing wind....you made it through the direst of straits all right can you help it if plain love now seems less interesting, you haven't changed an ounce in my eyes and I can not lecture you, and does anything I say seem relevant at all?...
"I was searching for some legal... and cohesive way to write you this week. I think I've done this begin-with-lyrics-and-trail-to-the-life-story thing before, but with the new shins cd, and the brilliant concert still ringing in my ears, I thought it all too fitting to at least tempt you with the first few words in their wondrous compositions... so
track 1. sleeping lessons ...and flow eviscerate your fragile frame and spill it out on the ragged floor a thousand different versions of yourself.... so wow, good lines huh? basically this could be taken ridiculously deep and applied to ......versions of erin before and after college. but instead (because my writing skills can't organize those thoughts) I shall tell you about another image conjured in my head from said lines. dancing. oh but not just any dancing, crazy, unabashed, free of form and critique movement. Basically the cute girls across the street had a dance party. really it was just another excuse for the 6 of us to listen to good music and completely vent through movement.....
track 5. sealegs ...but we got sealegs and we're off tonight they can't have that to which they've no right you belong to a simpler time I'm a victim to the impact of these words and this rhyme... Well I'm sure james mercer was talking about something else, but I was thinking about the impact of written words, your words particularly, and the impact they have on me. Victim may have the some wrong connotations, but the whole involuntary aspect of victim may ring true. I was discussing with a friend semi-recently about the love languages. have you heard of them? there are 5 main love languages.. quality time, actions, gifts, touch, and words of affirmation. According to the theory we all accept or understand love shown in all of these forms, but we have a main form, and when that is in check we respond to the other languages even better. I have discovered my main language, if i were to have one, is words of affirmation. spoken, but even more so written. I guess I'm lucky thats how I've been connected to you for the past 20 months, letters. and incredibly lucky you've been so diligent in writing. I received a letter a few days ago, and fell victim to the words......... in your letter, yes i remember the kings of convenience song, actually i think its become my theme song, and michelle will testify how I can't sit still when it comes on. I adore it. .
Track 11. a comet appears ...close your eyes to corral a virtue, is this fooling anyone else, never worked so long and hard to cement a failure... ok, just focus on the word corral. and then think equestrian. basically i really wanted to tell you about my presidents day adventure, and i needed a word to tie in horseback riding... bu the lyrics deserve dissecting later. so riding.. Michelle and i went out for a few hours, guided by a friend who owns the beautiful animals. IT was beautiful.. It had snowed a ton the night before and was still snowing as we saddled up the horses. The canyon was loaded with snow frosted trees, their branches creating an intricately laced pattern of white against the dusty blue background of sky.....
love erin
p.s. if there was time i'd expound, but there isn't. I had to send you these lyrical lines anyway, and while I'm sure you don't have time to dissect them either, maybe you can read a few before you sleep to help direct your dreams.
...the lonely are such delicate things, the wind from a wasp could blow them into the sea with stones on their feet lost to the light and the loving we need...
...you can fake it for a while, bite your tongue and smile, like every mother does her ugly child...
...Of all the churning random hearts under the sun, eventually fading into night, these two are opening now......its like I'm perched on the handlebars of a blindman's bike, no straws to grab just the rushing wind....you made it through the direst of straits all right can you help it if plain love now seems less interesting, you haven't changed an ounce in my eyes and I can not lecture you, and does anything I say seem relevant at all?...
3.13.2008
chayote
The check out man at macy's calls it coyote (he was super fast at the check out process btw.) Its green. It's gown in costa rica, and smells
kinda like a cucumber. Also it is supposed to have regenerative properties, hence this picture. Wikapedai told us so Cucumbers are a lot less cumbersome though. ha ha. Basically Roommate and I had wonder moment today, for the price of fifty cents! We were at good old Macy's, buying grocery's for the first time since we'd been back from tour (that was 2 weeks ago!) when we happened apon a sale we couldn't pass up. I mean who can resist green pear looking south american squash for fifty cents!!SO we took it home... and opened it.
I hate it when she does that.
We cooked it.
and ate it. AND...... it tasted good, or at least not bad. Definitely worth half a washington.
Thoughts and Thin Mints
I'm at work. This usually means I'm transcribing. or running random errands. or laughing to myself watching someone try to work the copy machine just long enough so that when I swoop in from my office perch to save the day my entrance in dramatically timed and they praise me to all ends for pushing the correct button. ( I know that the last paragraph was completely and utterly grammatically incorrect, the punctuation off, and the sentence run-on. it was done intentionally. Literary vice. Dig deep, I'm sure you'll find meaning.)
But right now there's nothing to do. nothing. I refilled the post-its, sent a fax, and now I'm eating girl scout cookies. Thin mints, though I prefer samoas, but I wasn't here in time to vote on which box to open for the office perusal.
and now for some thoughts cycling the synapse of my mind
-will it rain tomorrow? I want to go rock climbing.
-What does a parabolic function actually represent in real life? acceleration verses time, the motion of a projectile maybe. And if you have 2 linear function, and you multiply them together to get a quadratic, what pictorially did you do exactly? and can you find 2 linear functions in the motion of a projectile verses time? (I drew these thoughts out on the back of a "lost and found - 7 short plays" flier.
-why am I not in Hawaii. seriously why.
-I like seeing mando player, he's fun to be with. Do I need to think about what that does and doesn't mean? Can't I just let it be?
- I got a scholarship, yahoo.
-If the Kiev days people want us to stay we might see Berlin. pray. pray hard. pray now.
-I named a dance in 270 today. She wanted a name in Russian, I used one of the first Russian words I ever learned. oot-kah (phonetically of course, like I actually know the Russian alphabet) It means duck. Turns out writing that boy for 2 years totally paid off.
-Miss T's coming back to PAC, maybe. I hope. And she's going to teach us some African dancing. I heart her and her potty mouth. pooh sticks. who says that? Miss T
-I bet I'd be bad at long boarding
-I hate spending money on food
-The beautiful cousin is in Jr. Miss Utah this weekend, and she probably had her interview sometime this morning.... those are so fun, and scary, and nerve racking, and wonderful. hope she did well, hope she lowered her high pitched voice. It's dumb, but it makes a difference. That's how I did it, man voice = confidence, intelligence, charisma. Don't believe me? Suppose Elle Woods really was brilliant and didn't just happen to know something about a perm on the right day, then she would have a low voice, but she doesn't. And suppose Oprah Winfrey has no power, no charisma, and no intelligence. Then she has a high voice, but she doesn't. there proof by contradiction.
-What time is it? "time of our lives, anticipation... schools out! Scream and shout!" (sung in my head by the way.)
-I can't believe I just admitted to that last thought
-I'm wearing a watch today. I never wear a watch. Its silver, and gold. Makes me think of my grandma. Its pretty. I like it.
-I'm wearing earring too. Mando player thought they were real... as in not clip on, but they are.
-Why am a wearing a watch and earring's?
-8 minutes till I can leave.
-Burt's Bees is the Best. It makes me think of Lovely, as in the person I gave that nym to, not the adjective.
-I need to go help a guy in the math lab. time to go.
-Roommate never came to get her thin mint.
-Roommate just called. Thin mints are worth it I guess.
But right now there's nothing to do. nothing. I refilled the post-its, sent a fax, and now I'm eating girl scout cookies. Thin mints, though I prefer samoas, but I wasn't here in time to vote on which box to open for the office perusal.
and now for some thoughts cycling the synapse of my mind
-will it rain tomorrow? I want to go rock climbing.
-What does a parabolic function actually represent in real life? acceleration verses time, the motion of a projectile maybe. And if you have 2 linear function, and you multiply them together to get a quadratic, what pictorially did you do exactly? and can you find 2 linear functions in the motion of a projectile verses time? (I drew these thoughts out on the back of a "lost and found - 7 short plays" flier.
-why am I not in Hawaii. seriously why.
-I like seeing mando player, he's fun to be with. Do I need to think about what that does and doesn't mean? Can't I just let it be?
- I got a scholarship, yahoo.
-If the Kiev days people want us to stay we might see Berlin. pray. pray hard. pray now.
-I named a dance in 270 today. She wanted a name in Russian, I used one of the first Russian words I ever learned. oot-kah (phonetically of course, like I actually know the Russian alphabet) It means duck. Turns out writing that boy for 2 years totally paid off.
-Miss T's coming back to PAC, maybe. I hope. And she's going to teach us some African dancing. I heart her and her potty mouth. pooh sticks. who says that? Miss T
-I bet I'd be bad at long boarding
-I hate spending money on food
-The beautiful cousin is in Jr. Miss Utah this weekend, and she probably had her interview sometime this morning.... those are so fun, and scary, and nerve racking, and wonderful. hope she did well, hope she lowered her high pitched voice. It's dumb, but it makes a difference. That's how I did it, man voice = confidence, intelligence, charisma. Don't believe me? Suppose Elle Woods really was brilliant and didn't just happen to know something about a perm on the right day, then she would have a low voice, but she doesn't. And suppose Oprah Winfrey has no power, no charisma, and no intelligence. Then she has a high voice, but she doesn't. there proof by contradiction.
-What time is it? "time of our lives, anticipation... schools out! Scream and shout!" (sung in my head by the way.)
-I can't believe I just admitted to that last thought
-I'm wearing a watch today. I never wear a watch. Its silver, and gold. Makes me think of my grandma. Its pretty. I like it.
-I'm wearing earring too. Mando player thought they were real... as in not clip on, but they are.
-Why am a wearing a watch and earring's?
-8 minutes till I can leave.
-Burt's Bees is the Best. It makes me think of Lovely, as in the person I gave that nym to, not the adjective.
-I need to go help a guy in the math lab. time to go.
-Roommate never came to get her thin mint.
-Roommate just called. Thin mints are worth it I guess.
3.10.2008
bear naked paige
We experimented last night. Mando player came over and helped me create these delectable morsels of goodness. He's into that healthy food thing. I'm not. But we came together, healthy trail mix for him, butter and chocolate for me. We should sell them.....All the goodness of mom's homemade chocolate chip oatmeal chocolate cookies, enhanced with the tantalizing flavors of Bear Naked(tm) trail mix . Your mouth will thank you. I can hear the advertisement now.
3.09.2008
and they all lived happily ever after
Its not every day you get to dress up as a disney princess.... let alone 4. Happy folkdance winter gala disney party.
JASMINE - notice the hair... so awesome.POCAHONTAS - this used to be an old Shakespearean costume... probably for a man, there were probably tights involved. just imagine....
BELLE - she has brown eyes, I have blue, it's been the plague of my existence since I was 8
And finally AURORA - I know, blond hair, not brown... sorry. and yes this is an eighties prom dress being put to good use. oh, and thanks to jen from the crown.
now if I could only find my true prince charming to gallop in on a white horse, my knight in shining armor to rescue me from the dull college life I live and whisk me away to some happily ever after...... close will, close :)
3.08.2008
stairway to
someday the stairs will be finished and I will miss the exhausting trek from the math lab, through the glass and concrete box the temple came in, also known as the tanner. And I will miss the smell of dust and concrete infiltrating my senses as I tramp through the pedestrian walkway next to all the construction. I will miss looking like a smelly dancer, dressed in sweats, peruseing through all of the dressed up attractive males hoping to scale corporate latters in later years. I will miss running into every clogging class 3 minutes late, and being completely outof breath upon entering every math class. someday those stairs will be done and I will be sad.
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