Happy SAD day

A charter school in the alpine school district declared february 14 as singles awareness day, officially banning all decorated mailboxes for the collection of red and pink heart shaped treats. It's true, ask annalisa.

Here's the thing.. I felt like it's been happy sad month. No i'm not referring to relationship status, honestly I just don't care that much, but that's just it. I don't care, about anything, and I've felt so happy, and so sad, and so frustrated, and I've driven the roommate crazy because I can't make up my mind about anything, and I can't fake it when she's around. Instead I get angry and push her away. I don't know what's wrong, I don't know what IT is. It's like it's that time of the month, all month long.

I was sick of pretending this week, so I didn't. When people asked, I told them I was fine, but I didn't act fine, yet I was sure I was. NO big deal, everything is just fine.

I didn't want to feel anything. Leave me in a garden state, where I'm neither happy nor sad. I can't fix it, or I'm afraid trying will make it worse. It hurts so much, so rather than try to be happy and risk the hurt that inevitably comes when you feel life at all, I decided to become calloused and hard, I didn't want to feel. anything.

In PAC we've been repeating this everyday. I was, am still sometimes, so hardened. I began asking an unseen power to do something, to wake me up and humble my heart, because I couldn't do it myself.

The last few days have brought something home to me, something I knew but didn't want to acknowledge. People care. A lot. I was asked at every turn how I was doing... but these people really meant it. I was rude, and blamed lack of sleep, or simply said it was nothing and walked away, but a few of these friends wouldn't leave me alone. Sometimes it was just a squeeze of the hand, or a look they gave me that said, "please call me, and I'm not just saying that"

I hated the attention, but it struck me how much I was really cared for, and loved... but I didn't want to feel that, so I did everything I could to shut it out.

This article came out in the newspaper of all light and truth for cougar students. I heard there was a little pow-wow in my behalf, discussing all of my 'symptoms.' At first I was angry with the ox, the roommate, and the artist sister. I was FINE, how many times did I have to say this, yell this, and cry this.

I wonder if they're right. I don't know. I can't write about all of my thoughts on that right now. I'm surprised I'm even writing this. I haven't wanted to write lately, not even in my journal. I haven't wanted to dance, or eat, or sing. I have done my homework, I won't fall there... it's easy to stay busy and productive in the math lab. Feeling don't have to happen there, numbers exist independent of human hearts.


Then Samwise shared a part of this. "And the simple truth is that we cannot be happy, nor saved, nor exalted, without one another." I cried. The hotness behind my eyes was too much. He noticed, and asked me about life later, I pushed him away like everyone else, but he had gotten through, for just a second he'd gotten through.

I was tired of feeling today, but it was hard to be mad with so much love in the air. Today I was aware of how connected I am, to so many people. The word single doesn't apply to humans. We depend on each other, we laugh and talk and cry, scream and yell, and someone is listening, so many people care.

I was on the ground sobbing today. If you asked why I couldn't tell you. The roommate was leaving to be with paulina, and then the artist sister called. She wanted to take me out to dinner. She cared.

Danger called after that, wanting to give me a ride to some v-day festivities. He cared.

Pujee smiled, and kissed my cheek, austi gave me a valentine, Mikie a chocolate kiss. They all loved me.

An e-mail from my sweet mother, a text from a brother, an amazing hug from a dear friend.

I feel, and right now that's ok.